Day four...

Hi again, here I am on day four. Last night I cooked a meal as usual, and again I refrained from drinking. I just tried to put it out of my mind and concentrate on the food. There is a bottle of beer in the rack, which I bought a couple of weeks ago, and a brief thought crossed my mind that it would be nice just to open the bottle and drink whilst I am cooking. Then I remembered what I had read on another blog - The Sober Journalist I think (highly recommended by the way!) that the point is not that I can't drink, but that I can if I want to, but I just don't want to. I intend to leave that bottle where it is to keep reminding me of this. I know it's a danger, but I think the way my brain works it will help. It felt sort of empowering to know that there is a bottle there and I just said no to myself. 

Today, we are going away for a short break. We are both looking forward to this as we both work long hours and we need a break. The trouble is that we are staying in a country hotel that has a nice restaurant and...wait for it... serves high quality cask ales. Now normally that would make my eyes light up with glee. The thought of making a few pints of good ale disappear down my throat would seem like an excellent idea. So now I'm wondering how the trip will pan out. As I said before, I don't want to make a big deal of this to my wife. I suppose it would be like admitting that I have a problem to her, and I suppose that I'm not ready to do that just yet. I could abstain on the basis that I'm trying to shed a few pounds, but she would expect me to have at least one drink with our meal. I'll let you know how I get on...

Day three...

Well, here I am on day three and so far so good. Yesterday evening I went to the supermarket for food, and I would normally have picked up a couple of bottles of red. But I resisted going near the wine aisle. It was quite easy really, and I felt good about it too. Whilst I was cooking the meal I drank tea and glasses of water, which seemed to help. I drank water with the meal too and didn't seem to miss the glasses of wine that would usually go with it. So, does all this seem too good? Well yes and no. I have been here before, and managed to stop drinking to try and lose some weight, and that has been ok for around two weeks. After that I have fallen back into the old routine again. So what is different this time? Well for one thing, I am putting all this down in writing. Whether anyone else reads it is not the main point. The fact that I am writing a diary of how I am feeling about my lack of drinking, will certainly help me. If there is anyone out there who reads this and would like to comment in any way, that would be an added bonus.

There will be another test later this week. My wife and I are going for a short break in a hotel - just for one night. I don't really want to make a big thing of not drinking to her, but I want to keep up my abstinence. I would normally have a glass of wine or two and perhaps a couple of pints of beer. Perhaps I am afraid to talk to her about how much of a problem my drinking has become. She has enough worries without me adding to them. But then again, she has seen me drinking for years and seen some of the effects that it can have on me and us. She has tried to talk to me about my drinking before and explained how she feels when I open yet another bottle. Up to now, this has made me feel guilty, but I have continued. So, one day at a time, and I'll be back here tomorrow.

Day Two

Ok, so I'm back here on day two of my challenge. Things are going ok so far. In fact it's really day three as I didn't have a drink on Sunday, but my decision was made yesterday, so I'll keep to the original days. Not that it really makes any difference, but it will be good to keep a track of how I make progress along the journey on a day to day basis.  

One of my main triggers for drinking is when I cook a meal in the evening. I never think about having a drink until late afternoon, when I often think about what to make for our evening meal. This is usually left to me as I enjoy cooking. I often like to take refuge in the kitchen, with something nice cooking, some good music playing, and a bottle of red on the go. The bottle can often be empty by the time the meal is ready, which probably says more about my speed of my drinking than of my cooking! I have sometimes made sure that there is a second bottle so that I can start on that...hoping that no-one will notice, but I'm sure that they do.  This is a situation that I will have to manage very carefully. I have found that if I drink lots of water whilst cooking, it can fool my brain. The problem is often when I go shopping for the evening meal. I like to plan nice meals, and visit the supermarket regularly to keep up with fresh ingredients. I have sometimes (ok, often), decided to go shopping for food, although my real intention has been to buy wine. Passing by the wine aisle will be difficult, but hopefully manageable.

I will be cooking this evening, and I really do need to get food, so wish me luck!

Back tomorrow...

Day One...

Ok, so deep breath, and...where do I start? I've known that I've been drinking far too much alcohol for several years now. Despite knowing the harm that it can do - the harm that it has done to my body, I continue. Despite my drinking upsetting my wife, I continue. Despite my behaviour (sometimes) being out of control and frankly embarassing, I continue. Well, now I am making an attempt to stop. Note here my reluctance to say this it is. I have stopped. This is becasue I know it won't be easy. One day at a time is the old adage, and let's see how it goes. But am I cheating myself? Will I stop without the bold claim that 'this is it' ? Am I leaving a chink in the door that will enable me to carry on and to have an excuse? I'm not really sure, but this is day one, and I may return with different views another day.

So what has prompted this? Well, on Saturday evening I drank a lot. A lot, and my behaviour towards a certain individual was bad. Very bad. This person was upset and I was (am) feeling very guilty about this. And also worried in case my wife finds out. There's a bit of turmoil going on in my head about it all and I'm looking for something positive to come out of the situation. So, this is it. This is the something positive, and I need to capture the moment before it all fades into the distance and it all happens again. So, as I said, deep breath and into a new era. Whether I will be successful is another matter. But I will try. 

Horatio